Why Treating Your ADHD Might Save Your Marriage (And Why Your Child Needs to See You Do It)

Here’s something most ADHD parents don’t realise: whilst you’re frantically researching how to help your child succeed at school, your untreated ADHD might be quietly dismantling your most important relationships. And your child? They’re watching everything.

The Statistics Nobody Wants to Talk About

Let me share something that stops parents in my consulting room: 96% of people dating someone with ADHD report that the ADHD significantly impacts their relationship. Even more concerning, 92% feel they must constantly compensate for their partner’s ADHD—turning the person they love into someone who feels like a burden.

For adults who’ve lived with untreated ADHD into later life, the numbers become starker still. Between ages 60 and 94, they’re three times more likely to have never married or to have divorced. Not because they’re unlovable, but because they’ve never understood how their ADHD brain affects relationships.

But here’s what matters: statistics reveal patterns. Patterns are predictable. And what’s predictable is preventable.

When “I Forgot” Means “I Don’t Care”

Imagine this familiar scene: Your partner reminds you about their birthday. “I’d really love chocolate cake this year,” they say. You genuinely hear them. You genuinely care. But when their birthday arrives, there’s no cake.

To your neurotypical partner, this means something devastatingly simple: you don’t care enough. If you loved them, you’d remember. If they mattered, you’d make it happen.

But you know the truth is different. You forgot because your ADHD brain is wired for forgetfulness. You forgot because twenty other urgent things hijacked your attention. You forgot because remembering—especially remembering future events—is one of your brain’s genuine weaknesses.

This is what specialists call “symptomatic misperception.” Your partner interprets your ADHD symptoms as character flaws. Your forgetfulness becomes proof you don’t care. Your distractibility means they’re not a priority. Your impulsivity suggests you’re selfish.

And here’s the painful trap: when you try explaining “It’s my ADHD,” it sounds like an excuse. Your partner hears you dodging responsibility. You feel misunderstood and defensive. The gap widens.

The Two Injuries That Need Healing

When you forget that birthday cake, there are actually two separate injuries occurring:

The first injury is concrete and real: your partner wanted something meaningful for their birthday and didn’t receive it. That disappointment exists regardless of why it happened.

The second injury is psychological: they believe the cake isn’t there because you don’t care. This emotional wound—feeling unloved, deprioritised, unimportant—often cuts deeper than the missing cake itself.

Understanding this distinction changes everything. Once your partner grasps that your forgetfulness stems from how your brain processes information rather than how much you care, that second injury begins healing. They can feel disappointed about the cake without feeling unloved.

The Dangerous Adaptations You’ve Built

Here’s something fascinating I see repeatedly: adults with ADHD develop elaborate coping strategies to protect themselves from their symptoms. Unfortunately, these adaptations often create bigger problems than they solve.

Perhaps you’ve stopped making commitments entirely because you’re terrified of disappointing people again. Or you’ve become emotionally distant because your ADHD makes your feelings so intense that you’ve learned to shut them down completely. Maybe you avoid decisions because you’ve been told your whole life that you’re impulsive and reckless.

One patient described it perfectly: “I went from being too emotional as a child to completely aloof as an adult. I overcompensated so much that now my partner says I’m emotionally unavailable.”

These adaptations made sense when you developed them. They protected you from criticism, disappointment, and failure. But now they’re protecting you right out of your relationships.

Why Your Child Needs to See You Get Help

Here’s the compelling truth many parents miss: when you seek treatment for your own ADHD, you’re not just improving your marriage. You’re teaching your ADHD child the most important lesson they’ll ever learn.

Your child is watching how you handle your ADHD. They’re learning whether having ADHD means:

• “Something’s wrong with me that I must hide”
• Or “My brain works differently, and understanding that helps me succeed”

When you model getting help—whether that’s medication, therapy, coaching, or all three—you’re showing them that ADHD is manageable. You’re demonstrating that understanding your brain isn’t making excuses; it’s taking responsibility.

You’re teaching them that relationships require work when you have ADHD, but they’re absolutely possible. That you can love deeply and be deeply loved, even with a brain that forgets birthdays and struggles with focus.

The Practical Path Forward

Understanding symptomatic misperception is your starting point, but it’s not sufficient. Both partners need to do real work:

For you (the ADHD partner):

• Stop using ADHD as an excuse and start using it as an explanation that leads to solutions
• Identify your dysfunctional adaptations (What do you avoid? What have you stopped trying?)
• Work on pragmatic communication skills—taking turns, managing interruptions, maintaining eye contact
• Create external systems for internal struggles (phone reminders, written lists, calendar alerts)

For your partner:

• Learn to separate ADHD symptoms from character flaws
• Communicate concerns before disappointment becomes resentment (“I’m worried you might forget—can we set a reminder together?”)
• Recognise when their partner is genuinely trying, even when execution falters

Together:

• Address emotional avoidance head-on—talk about disappointment when it’s small, not after it’s destroyed trust
• Create alternative systems that work with ADHD rather than fighting against it
• Reframe problems: not “Why don’t you care?” but “What systems would help you succeed?”

The Relationships That Matter Most

One of the most common reasons adults with ADHD finally seek treatment isn’t for work struggles or organisational chaos. It’s because their partner has reached breaking point. Someone they love is exhausted from compensating, hurt from being forgotten, and wondering whether to stay.

If you’re reading this at 2am, worrying about your child’s ADHD whilst your own untreated symptoms are eroding your marriage, please hear this: treating your ADHD isn’t selfish. It’s one of the most generous things you can do for everyone who loves you.

Your child needs you to model that getting help is strength, not weakness. Your partner needs you to transform understanding into action. And you deserve relationships where you feel loved for who you are, not despite your ADHD.

The Pattern Can Change

Yes, the statistics are sobering. But remember: patterns are predictable, and what’s predictable is preventable. Adults with ADHD who seek proper treatment, who learn about symptomatic misperception, who build functional rather than dysfunctional adaptations—these adults have relationships that thrive.

Understanding truly is the most powerful intervention. When you understand how your ADHD affects your relationships, you stop fighting invisible battles. When your partner understands, they stop taking your symptoms personally. When your child sees you both working together, they learn that ADHD is a challenge to manage, not a character flaw to hide.

Ready to understand your ADHD better—for yourself and your family? Dr Flett offers compassionate assessments and support for both children and adults with ADHD. Understanding how your brain works transforms everything. Call 031 1000 474 or visit 8 Village Road, Kloof, Durban. Zoom consultations available for families across South Africa.

Because the most powerful gift you can give your ADHD child is showing them that understanding changes everything.