Who’s Really in Charge at Home?

When Parenting a Child with ADHD Feels Like a Full-Time Negotiation

If your child with ADHD seems to be running the household, you’re not alone. Discover why this happens, how to set clear boundaries, and how to stay calm when you’re feeling anything but.

Introduction: “Who’s the Parent Here?”

Do you ever look around your home and wonder how you lost control?

You ask your child to put their shoes on… and ten minutes later they’re upside down on the couch singing about dinosaurs.
You try to get out the door… and they’re stuck halfway into a YouTube rabbit hole.
You say “no screens before school”… and suddenly it’s World War III in the lounge.

You feel like you’re constantly shouting, reminding, negotiating, begging—and still nothing changes.

Sound familiar?

If so, welcome to the wonderfully maddening world of parenting a child with ADHD.

Why Is ADHD So Challenging?

Children with ADHD aren’t just a bit wiggly or daydreamy—they experience real difficulties with:

Impulse control (they act before thinking)
Delayed gratification (they want it now, not later)
Emotional regulation (they feel things BIG)
Attention (they can hyperfocus on games, but forget what you just asked)
Executive function (they struggle to plan, organise, or remember what they were doing five seconds ago)

Their brains are wired differently—constantly seeking stimulation and dopamine. This means they’re more prone to:

Meltdowns over small things
Negotiations over everything
Power struggles that wear everyone down

A Funny Truth: Madness Is Hereditary

Here’s the thing: madness is hereditary—you get it from your kids.

Ever found yourself saying:

“If I have to say PUT YOUR SHOES ON one more time…!”
“Why am I arguing with a six-year-old about toast?”
“I’ve said the same thing 12 times and nothing’s happened!”

You’re not crazy—your child’s ADHD behaviour genuinely affects your own mental state.
They’re not just dysregulated. They’re contagious!

And over time, their constant needs can:

Make you feel reactive and snappy
Drain your emotional energy
Shift the family dynamic so you feel like the child and they’re the boss

The Demand for Instant Gratification

Children with ADHD struggle with waiting—whether it’s for food, fun, or attention.
They want things immediately, and when they don’t get it, frustration can boil over fast.

That’s why you’ll see:

Whining or yelling when the WiFi drops
Refusal when asked to do something boring or slow
Meltdowns over small transitions (e.g. turning off the TV)

They’re not being manipulative. Their brains literally find it harder to wait, tolerate boredom, or cope with frustration.

Let’s Talk About Screens

Ah yes, the double-edged sword.

Screens offer ADHD kids exactly what their brains crave:

Constant stimulation
Visual movement
Immediate feedback
Escape from tasks that feel too hard

But without limits, screens can:

Disrupt sleep and routines
Become a massive source of arguments
Make transitions nearly impossible

You may find yourself:

Bribing with screen time
Arguing about screen limits
Giving in… just to keep the peace

You’re not alone. But clear boundaries around screens are essential for ADHD children.

Daily Routines: The Never-Ending Battle

Here’s how a “simple” day can feel with ADHD in the mix:

Morning:

7:00 – Wake up
7:15 – Still in bed
7:30 – Dancing in the bathroom
7:45 – Crying about socks
8:00 – Shoes? What shoes?

After School:

Avoids homework
Fixates on the iPad
Meltdown over the wrong dinner

Bedtime:

More energy than a Labrador puppy
Suddenly remembers every existential fear
Stalls, delays, bargains—and then passes out mid-sentence

This isn’t bad parenting. It’s parenting a child whose brain is running a race on a different track.

What to Say (and Not Say) During a Meltdown

When your ADHD child is in full meltdown mode, what you say can either defuse or escalate the situation.

✅ What Helps:

“I’m here for you.”
“You’re overwhelmed. Let’s breathe together.”
“We’ll figure this out. Right now, let’s just pause.”
“This is hard. I’ve got you.”

❌ What Hurts:

“Stop it right now!”
“You’re acting ridiculous!”
“Why do you always do this?”
“If you don’t calm down, I’ll take everything away!”

During a meltdown, your child isn’t being naughty—they’re dysregulated.
Your job isn’t to win the argument—it’s to keep everyone safe until their brain resets.

Planning Ahead: Set Yourself Up for Success

📅 Daily Structure

Use visual charts, timers, and “first/then” boards
Stick to predictable routines
Give warnings before transitions (e.g. “5 more minutes”)

⛔ Screen Boundaries

No devices in bedrooms
Set tech-free times (e.g. meals, before school)
Use parental controls—be the grown-up who says “enough”

🧠 Emotional Check-Ins

Teach your child to name feelings (angry, sad, overwhelmed)
Use emotion charts or “zones of regulation” visuals
Praise emotional recovery, not just behaviour

Crisis Mode: What to Do When It All Falls Apart

When emotions explode:

Lower your tone.
Say less—silence is powerful.
Reduce sensory input (noise, lights, crowds).
Don’t argue. Just be there.
Reconnect after the storm: “That was hard. I’m proud of you for calming down.”

Have a Crisis Plan in place:

Early signs of overwhelm?
What helps soothe your child?
Who can step in if you need a break?

Liaising With Teachers: Bridging the Gap Between Home and School

Children with ADHD often struggle in the classroom with:

Sitting still
Finishing tasks
Waiting their turn
Following multiple instructions

For Parents:

Share diagnosis and strategies that work at home
Ask for Individual Support Plans (ISPs) or reasonable accommodations
Stay in touch with the teacher—regular check-ins help catch issues early

For Teachers:

Use movement breaks and clear instructions
Offer praise for effort, not just results
Avoid punishment-based systems—reward attention and self-regulation

Home and school working together is the magic ingredient for success.

Long-Term Support: It’s a Journey

You don’t need to figure this out overnight. But long-term success comes from:

Working with a trusted paediatrician
Supporting your own mental health
Using ADHD-specific parenting strategies
Getting help from OTs, psychologists, or ADHD coaches
Finding your parenting community—people who get it

Final Thoughts: You’re Still the Parent

Even when your child feels like a small CEO running the house—you’re still the parent.
You are the anchor in their storm, the voice they eventually internalise, the safe space they return to.

Set boundaries with love.
Stay calm when you can.
Laugh when things get ridiculous. (Because they will.)

And remember: you’re doing your best—and that’s enough.

Need Some Backup?

If parenting your ADHD child feels overwhelming, exhausting, or out of control—support is available.

📞 Call Dr John Flett on 031 1000 474
📍 Visit us at 8 Village Road, Kloof, Durban
💻 Remote Zoom consultations available for flexibility and support wherever you are

Let’s work together to restore calm, connection, and confidence in your parenting.